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Spitter

Quiet Indeed

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.

After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

The Old Golfer

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 2 feet tall."

Divorce

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"

Cattle Market

A man takes his wife to the cattle market. They come up to a bull, and his sign says, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year; you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull, and his sign says, "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That's over five times a month! You could learn from this one, also."

They proceed to the last bull, and his sign says, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open, and she says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That's once a day! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "I'll bet it wasn't 365 times with the same cow."

College Rules

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students to point out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be off limits for all male students, and the male dormitory to female students. Anybody caught breaking these rules will be fined $40 the first time, $90 the second time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the third time will be fined a hefty $200. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

Parent notes

The following is a list with actual notes from parents (including spelling) to school offices:

*My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

*Please excuse Anne for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

*Dear school: Please ekscuse Joe being ansent on Jan. 28, 29, 39, 31, 32, and 33.

*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

*Sally win't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

*Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Bodily dysfunctions

Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One seventy-five year old woman says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty year old woman says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety year old woman says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."